I spent the last week of September training in Ottawa, Canada at the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute. Dr. Sue Johnson, the center's founder, has developed a way of working with couples that is based on what we in the therapy circle know as attachment theory. Since I returned home, I have been giving a lot of thought to the people with whom I interact and the ways that I attach. Connecting emotionally depends on my willingness to be vulnerable and their willingness to connect with me. Sue reminds us that maintaining contact with those significant to our lives is an innate motivating principal in humans across the life span. "Emotions tell us and communicate to others what our motivations and needs are; they are the music of the attachment dance" (Johnson, 1996).

Connecting and attaching on an emotional level is hard work. Living in the computer age may mean families and friends interact through electronic media and not on an emotional level. Often e-mail takes the place of face-to-face communication. According to author Parker Palmer, this lack of attachment leaves us feeling like we are living a divided life.

I was recently reminded of the ebb and flow of attachments during a rather heated discussion with my husband of 31 years. Early in our marriage we attended a marriage enrichment retreat sponsored by The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment (ACME). We discovered that the music of our communication and expression of anger were very out of tune. If your relationship is like ours, there are times when our pitch is absolutely perfect, but more times than not, I am flat and he is shap... or he is flat and I am sharp. The last 31 years has demanded lots and lots of tuning.

Relating and attaching to others on an emotional level requires tuning as well. Join me in transforming the music of our relationships by tweaking the sharps and flats and moving toward a perfectly tuned symphony.